One Abnormal Girl

So I totally finished my yaoi-con post.  It’s here if you wanted to see it finished.  It’s all out of order and haphazard, though.

In recent news, we have a router for the second time, because the first one we bought was the wrong thing, har har.  And although this one is actually the router we needed, I’m not sure it’s very good at all.  It seems to like dropping the connection intermittently, which hardly affects something like Internet browsing, but makes WoW all but impossible.  Or maybe it’s not the router, maybe it’s the Internet itself, but I’ve never had external problems with the Internet actually result in a message on the computer saying the cable is unplugged.  It might be going back.  Apparently my old one must not have been so awful: it actually worked solidly and steadily up until its burnout.

Also I can’t stop listening to Dr. Horrible and Muse, and I’m amused that the combination of those two names/titles results in Dr. House, whom I’ve been catching up on by ninja-ing the eps onto my iPod.  Somehow the laptop just isn’t portable enough.  And I can finally also put videos onto my phone now that I have the creepily tiny 2GB card for it, but then it would just be too small.  But it’s pretty sweet that I can still do it if I want to.   I just wish the BlackBerry could decode the same files I put on the iPod, then I’d only have to encode the file once.

Job’s going well.  It lacks many of the perks that seem commonplace these days, and it’s still temp work (no benefits), but at least I don’t really notice the passage of time.  Besides, waterjets and lasers are cool, even if I don’t work with them directly.  Best of all, I get paid.

One of these days I’d love to start and maintain a blog about something clever, funny, and/or interesting, but I still haven’t come up with the idea.  (Presumably I have the education.)  Until then, I’ve only got this.  Personal fodder is always in abundance.

I recently told my supervisor about my plans to book it on the 20th of June.  \o/  It was earlier than the requisite 3 weeks, and they could have decided just to let me go instead of letting me work until THE VERY END, but she said they’d keep me as long as they could.  And I may or may not have to train someone, which keeps me occupied.  When idle, I often maintain an involuntary internal monologue wherein I explain things.  If I didn’t dislike children so much, I’d be a teacher.

Here’s the part in the post where–OMG I MISS CRAZYLOSTSTAR LIKE BURNING

I mean, here’s the part where I name some random things that I’m into lately.  (BUT SERIOUSLY I DO, SHE IS ABROAD FOR LIKE A MILLION YEARS, OMG COME BACK, BUT ALSO HAVE A GOOD TIME)

I never mentioned Torchwood, but I’m totally into it even though I don’t have cable, or I didn’t have cable before I reverted to parental living.  The Captain Jack Harkness episode was everything I’d wanted and never expected out of it, and maybe out of television in general. ohnom.  Also I’m all antsy for the Supernatural finale that I can’t watch yet ad;jdfj DEEEEAN.

There were some other things I think I meant to say, but apparently I have trouble recapping.  I also am having trouble focusing on anything but the night of June 19th and the events that will follow.  I don’t know if it’s really sunk in, yet.  I should be more scared, but at this point my optimism just can’t be bothered to worry.  It was just a short time ago that “zomg why aren’t we closer together” became an actual question to me, and there just wasn’t a valid answer for it.  It was barely two months ago that I thought maybe this huge change in my life just might be possible, with some help.  It’s been a crazy turn of events even since then.  And I know once I begin to anticipate the departure realistically, once it’s two weeks, or one week away instead of just sometime in the future, I’m going to be a lot more nervous, a lot more incredulous that I thought I could do this.  But we all have that reaction to big changes when they are soon to be a reality.  It’s always more comfortable in the rut, but it’s not necessarily the right place to be, and not going is just not an option.

HOHO so anyway, Dad’s phone broke, and he can’t get a new one until I’m off the plan (and he can renew the contract), so I now have a new plan, or I will when the phone arrives.  I haven’t had a new phone in about 3 or 4 years, so I’m also excited for that, even if it’s an unexpected expense at a bad time.  My economic relief check was also not the $600 I was expecting, and lulz I forgot my final gas bill was going to be huge.  Yay for my parents. \o/ ?

OH but one other thing that makes me excited is that on our cross-country trip, I’ll finally have an awesome reason to use Twitter!   So we can chronicle our grueling 4-day journey for anyone wondering if we’ll ever get there.

And now I have to watch Stephen Colbert, because he is insanely adorable.

I MISS CRAZYLOSTSTAR.

So here’s the thing.  I’m moving to California.

It’s pretty self-explanatory, given the distinct lack of graduate school in my future.  I could try again, and I may, but the thought of enduring another 8 months of my current life until I can even apply again, and then another 3 months of it waiting to find out, and another 6 months waiting to go (if I were even accepted) is depressing, to say the least.  I’m atheist: to me, this is it, this life is everything, and I feel like when it comes time to go I’m going to be absolutely crushed under the weight of regret.  I’m afraid of death, but I’m even more afraid of wasting my life.  Because in the end, feeling as though I have fulfilled my self-created purpose is the only thing that’s going to make dying any better.  It’ll always terrify me, but lifting the impending sense of regret is the only salve.

So now that grad school may not happen–now that one of the larger avenues of self-fulfillment is (perhaps temporarily) closed to me, I’m faced with a gaping void, and where I am right now, there are no paths forward, only away.  I have family here, but I have no friends, and no career choices that don’t make me want to cry.  And I need a career.  As much as temping makes working bearable, I need benefits.  I currently have none, and that makes me especially uneasy.

So I’m moving.  I’m moving to a place where I can see my friends several times a week instead of a few times a year.  I’m moving to a place where I have a much higher probability for finding a job that might help lessen my future regret.  I’m moving to a place where I won’t have to spend so much money to participate in my favorite hobbies.

One week from today, I’m moving back to my parents’ house to start saving some money, because with my current expenses and current salary, I can afford to save nothing, and I’ve never had a savings account.

Nine weeks from today, I will be en route to California with the help of the incredibly generous crazyloststar with some essentials and the cats.  A few of my possessions will follow by mail, but for the most part, I’ll be parting with almost everything.  It’s a sad thought, but a grown-up one.  I want to be an adult.  I’m not an adult yet.  Life is supposed to be more than what I’ve got.

And I’m excited.  Once things work out, many of my sources of depression will be gone.  There may be new sources, but for the most part this will be a positive change in my life.  But things have to work out first.  I need to convince someone with coveted favor that my skills and my interests and my intelligence make me worth having.  Thus far I have been unable to do so, be it for good employment or desired schools.  (Penn State was the school I settled on, not the one I really, really wanted to go to.)  I just want to accomplish something that makes me cheer inside.  I want to finally get something that I really, really wanted.

But even if I don’t, at least I can be around the people I want close to me on a weekly, if not daily, basis.  The absence of that is probably the biggest weight on my chest right now.